I’ve been so busy the last few months. This has been an unusually strenuous season of ministry. Nothing’s out of control, but I have little margin. The work is good and worthwhile, and there’s fruit to be seen. I’m tired, though.
Last week I was asking a friend for prayer, and I tried to sum up my heart in this busy season. “I’m not overwhelmed,” I told her. “I’m not scared. I’m not doubting God’s purpose or His presence. I just feel… numb.”
I’m numb. I’m on autopilot, tackling task after task. And while I know that God’s will for my life won’t always intersect emotional fervor, neither do I want to become calloused toward the Lord. I don’t want to become desensitized to the good news of the gospel. I don’t want to be so busy that a move of God fails to arrest me and trigger a wholehearted, adoring response.
I remember what it felt like to be a brand-new believer. Every time I cracked the Bible I would be flooded with the love of God. Every time I prayed, I would hear Him speak. Every time I’d go to church I’d be bowled over by the musical worship, and the message. It was like drinking from a fire hose. God’s love was so tangible I could feel it. I’d be moved to tears. God was so kind to stick so close in that early season.
Somewhere along the way, those same disciplines stopped eliciting the same responses. And that’s not a bad thing. We don’t worship an experience or feelings. Just because we can’t feel God close by doesn’t mean he’s abandoned us. On the contrary, it takes great faith to commit to the disciplines of prayer, scripture reading, and fellowship whether or not we feel like it on any given day Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. So I’ll keep showing up, and doing what I know to be right.
But after I prayed with my friend, my mind kept churning. There’s a difference between feeling nothing and being unfeeling. I don’t want to be unfeeling. I don’t want a hard heart.
So I brought my needs to the Lord. “I need a little something, Lord. Just the tiniest reassurance that my heart is soft. Either that or I need you to chisel away this stony numbness, and give me a heart of flesh. I need you to move me.”
Last week I led worship for our church’s Ash Wednesday service; a service I’ve led for years. The worship was fine. The message was fine. Then we got to the confession. And with each line of the corporate prayer, my heart constricted.
For all of our unfaithfulness and disobedience
For the pride, vanity and hypocrisy of our lives
For our self-pity and impatience
For our unrighteous anger, bitterness and resentment
For seek the praise of others rather than the approval of God
For our failure to commend the faith that is in us;
Lord, have mercy on us
For we have sinned against you.
I was flooded with my need for God. “Oh God, I’m lost without you! I’m nothing without you! My heart is sinful, constantly bending in on itself. I need you, Lord!”
The priest’s words that came next flooded my need with God’s love. And with each scripture promising my forgiveness, my heart constricted again.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. – Matthew 11:28
God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. – John 3:16
This saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners. -1 Timothy 1:15
If anyone sins, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world. – 1 John 2:1-2
Thank you, Lord, that you show up when we need you. Thank you that you remain the same as the seasons come and go. Thank you that you soften hard hearts, you unstop deaf ears, you resuscitate dead bodies. It’s no trouble for you to meet me in my need. It’s no trouble for you to touch my heart in an ancient prayer. In fact, you delight to do so.
Bring your needs to God today, even if it’s as simple as “I just need a little something, Lord. Just some reassurance that my heart is soft.” He delights to receive your prayers, and meet you in your need.
Elise
